Half a Life: Dealing With Guilt

"My internal climate was a hurricane alley. Emotions blew through, downing power lines, hefting cars onto roofs, destroying the finish. Low treas, dead wood thrown across traffic. That's the force of guilt for you." -- Darin Strauss


In Darin Strauss's remarkable memoir, Half a Life, he brilliantly describes the slow, agonizing grind of living with--and overcoming--crippling guilt.


In his case, the guilt was caused by a car accident that left a classmate dead. Though it was no fault of his, he spent nearly half his life (hence the title) coming to terms with the event.



I've come to believe that guilt is a universal experience, as quintessentially human as breathing and eating. Everyone regrets something. In Darin Strauss's case, it is a specific event; for others, it may be a more diffuse sense of human guilt over simply existing, being alive.


No emotion is as noxious, as corrosive, as destructive, as guilt. While healthy guilt (over genuine wrongdoings) reminds us not to repeat the offense again, the unhealthy variety eats us up from the inside, like acid, burning its way through the depths of our soul.


It doesn't stop until it has burned us to a crisp--or itself.


I have no easy answers. No magic pill, or self-help technique, will make your guilt disappear. I wish it were that simple, but it's not. Guilt is evil, and it HURTS, and it's quite real.


But there are ways of dealing with it. The important thing is to feel it.


Enter a meditative state in whatever way works for you. Then, open yourself to your guilt.



(NOTE: because this experience is so powerful, it is best done under the guidance of a qualified counselor)


Feel the guilt fully. Let it run its course, screaming wildly, banging its pots and pans of accusation.


Now, do something that will drive it nuts: gently, with compassion, ask it a question: "I am here. How may I be of service?"


Usually, the guilt has no idea how to respond. It flickers uncertainly, unsure of whether to continue its course of conquest or to retreat.


Then--LISTEN TO ITS ANSWER.


It may be that nothing will change. Or, suddenly, you may gain an insight into your guilt that it has been waiting to share with you. You may find something else underneath all that guilt--sadness (as in my case), or some other underlying emotion.


Or, the guilt may not change at all.


Either way, listen. Learn to respect your guilt, and to view it with compassion and love. It, too, suffers.

"Things don't go away. They become you...But we keep making our way, as we have to. We're all pretty much able to deal even with the worst that life can fire at us, if we simply admit that it is very difficult. I think that's the whole of the answer. We make our way, and effort and time give us cushion and dignity. And as we age, we're riding higher in the saddle, seeing more terrain."