"When things fall apart, instead of struggling to regain our concept of who we are, we can use it as an opportunity to be open and inquisitive about what has just happen and what will happen next."
Pema Chödrön, Comfortable With Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Curiosity doesn't easily lend itself to a depressed mind. Yet, ironically, it may be the key that unlocks the door to wellness.
When you reach "rock bottom" and feel like you cannot possibly sink any lower...that there is little, if any, hope...that there's no point in continuing...Keep digging. Become curious.
It may be a morbid curiosity--but it may well save your life.
Become curious about what is happening to you.
Walk around your despair. Poke and prod it with a stick. Is it squishy? Solid? Liquid?
How do you feel when it hits? Or better yet: Where do you feel when it hits?
Where in your body do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your fingertips?
When does it arrive? When does it leave?
Here is where being morbidly curious can really become interesting:
What controls the ebb and flow of my suffering?
By finally mustering the courage to ask this question, you get to bypass the phenomenal symptoms of your suffering and head straight for the noumenon.
Look at it. Examine it with all the attention your weary mind can muster.
What is it, REALLY?
The answer is different for everyone. For me, when I finally looked past the depression, what I saw was--sadness. An endless sea, stretching out in every direction, fading behind the pallid, leaden horizon.
Yet even that sadness may have been a spark given off by something else, something buried much deeper in the Unconscious.
As you can tell, I'm still searching. And...I invite you to do the same.
Showing posts with label uncertainty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label uncertainty. Show all posts
Friday, May 18, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
"Tigers Above, Tigers Below"
"Begin with being willing to feel what you are going through. Be willing to have a compassionate relationship with the parts of yourself that you feel are not worthy of existing. If you are willing through meditation to be mindful not only of what feels comfortable but also what pain feels like, if you even aspire to stay awake and open to what you're feeling, to recognize and acknowledge it as best you can in each moment, then something begins to change."
--Pema Chödrön
As a depression sufferer for nearly two decades, it has taken me woefully long to recognize one simple truth: running from it doesn't help.
Depression casts too big a shadow. Wherever you turn, there it is.
Running isn't the answer. Leaning is.
Sit or lay down. Take a few deep breaths to calm your mind.
In. Out. In. Out.
Picture your depression however it appears to you. To some, it is a menacing hooded figure. To others, it's a thick metallic cloud that gags and chokes them. Still others merely feel it as an amorphous something.
Whatever it is, hold it steady in your mind's eye. Then, approach it.
Walk right up to the brink--and lean.
How do you feel? What does this boundary between yourself and your demons feel like? What emotions does it rouse in you? What thoughts rush screaming by?
Study them all.
Then--take a big, healthy bite of your demons.
Chew it over slowly, with relish. Ruminate upon it.
What does your depression taste like? Is it full of flavor? Is it spicy, bitter, or bland?
Begin with one small bite per session. Spending too long in the presence of something as overpowering as depression can be, well, overpowering. Take it slow. Be gentle with yourself.
Slowly, with each session, get to know that which plagues you. Learn its taste, its smell, its texture. Learn what triggers it. Learn the feelings that arise in your body whenever it casts its shadow on you.
If you cannot flee from your demons, study them. Become an expert. Books can help, but in the end, YOU are the writer and explorer. You are sailing into the eye of your very own inner storm, where no one can fully accompany you.
Become a cartographer of your own misery--and something mysterious begins to happen. Something magical.
The further you lean into your torment, the further away it recedes.
The better you get to know it, the less threatening it becomes.
At a certain point, when you've become a Ph.D on the subject of your inner typhoon, you will find yourself actually smiling at your demons. And why not? They have given you ample material to study.
Here's my personal plea: once you've fully mapped out your condition--with all its manifold peaks, valleys, raging waterfalls, whirlpools--help guide others down their path. True, their own map differs...but by now, you will have had established certain landmarks along the way.
You have become a true cartographer of your inner self. You are now in a position to assist others on their journey.
And that is a gift worth suffering for.
--Pema Chödrön
As a depression sufferer for nearly two decades, it has taken me woefully long to recognize one simple truth: running from it doesn't help.
Depression casts too big a shadow. Wherever you turn, there it is.
Running isn't the answer. Leaning is.
Sit or lay down. Take a few deep breaths to calm your mind.
In. Out. In. Out.
Picture your depression however it appears to you. To some, it is a menacing hooded figure. To others, it's a thick metallic cloud that gags and chokes them. Still others merely feel it as an amorphous something.
Whatever it is, hold it steady in your mind's eye. Then, approach it.
Walk right up to the brink--and lean.
How do you feel? What does this boundary between yourself and your demons feel like? What emotions does it rouse in you? What thoughts rush screaming by?
Study them all.
Then--take a big, healthy bite of your demons.
Chew it over slowly, with relish. Ruminate upon it.
What does your depression taste like? Is it full of flavor? Is it spicy, bitter, or bland?
Begin with one small bite per session. Spending too long in the presence of something as overpowering as depression can be, well, overpowering. Take it slow. Be gentle with yourself.
Slowly, with each session, get to know that which plagues you. Learn its taste, its smell, its texture. Learn what triggers it. Learn the feelings that arise in your body whenever it casts its shadow on you.
If you cannot flee from your demons, study them. Become an expert. Books can help, but in the end, YOU are the writer and explorer. You are sailing into the eye of your very own inner storm, where no one can fully accompany you.
Become a cartographer of your own misery--and something mysterious begins to happen. Something magical.
The further you lean into your torment, the further away it recedes.
The better you get to know it, the less threatening it becomes.
At a certain point, when you've become a Ph.D on the subject of your inner typhoon, you will find yourself actually smiling at your demons. And why not? They have given you ample material to study.
Here's my personal plea: once you've fully mapped out your condition--with all its manifold peaks, valleys, raging waterfalls, whirlpools--help guide others down their path. True, their own map differs...but by now, you will have had established certain landmarks along the way.
You have become a true cartographer of your inner self. You are now in a position to assist others on their journey.
And that is a gift worth suffering for.
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