The Key and the Lock

Pain

Is a question

Asked by the jailer

As he jangles his keys.

Will you allow your heart to open

Lest the lock grow

Hard from rust?

Set yourself free.

Break out of this self-created prison

and LIVE

While you still remember how.

The Snowflake

Stick out your tongue

And taste the snowflake.

If a mere grain of snow

Can grant you the taste of perfection,

What of the Universe?
There is a lesson in this

For those who know.

The Mirror

I gazed within,

But all I saw

Was a dull, dusty mirror,

Rusted and tear-streaked.

When will the Polisher

Answer my prayers

And clean the mirror

Until I see my Self?

The Gift of Clarity

Even with a thousand words,

You cannot buy clarity.

Only the coming of the Friend

Can bestow this wondrous gift.

Keep your heart's door open,

Ready for his arrival.

The Door

The Friend

Knocks upon your door.

Why do you stand aloof?
Why does your hand tremble

On the doorknob?

Open it;

Or better yet:

Realize that there is no door.



The Prison of Unknowing

Mixed with your tears,

This eggshell around you

Has hardened into concrete.

When will you flee

This prison of unknowing?
Your true birth awaits

Like a patient dog

Outside his master's door.

Work

Your work

Furthers your becoming.

Lean, therefore,

Into the task at hand.

With every drop of sweat,

A lotus flower blooms.

Casting Out the Chill

That Sun burns brightest

Which must be sought within.

Dive inside yourself,

Deeper,

Deeper,

Until you have arrived.

There, your own Sun warms you,

Casting out the chill of separation.

Demons

When your demons chase you,

Chomping at your heels,

Hug them closely

To your heart.

In time, these snarling phantoms

Will be meek as lambs.

Sun That Leaves No Shadow

Within us

Blazes a shimmering Sun

That leaves no shadow.

Seek to know it.

Travel within to commune with it.

When you do,

It will smile radiantly

And welcome you home.



The Feast

Fear

Is merely a sign

That a feast is at hand.

Lean into your fear

And take a juicy bite.

Savor it.

No intermission will mar

This feast.

No unwelcome interloper

Will crash the party uninvited.

Leave the weeping

To the brave.

For you,

Sustenance comes in many forms.

A Pauper's Fee

Though You are inexhaustible,

My heart subsists

On a pauper's fee.

Why do my hands

Reach so timorously,

So feebly,

For You?



Serene Exaltation

"There stole over me that mood of serene exaltation in which everything seems good and rapturous, the world and its human beings; that mood in which one has an urge to embrace every tree and stroke its bark as though it were the flesh of a loved one; in which one longs to enter every house, to sit down by the side of its unknown occupants and unburden oneself to them; in which one's own breast is filled to bursting point, and one's emotions are too much for one, in which one would like to open one's heart, to give lavishly of oneself--to spend and squander some of the superabundance of one's happiness."

--Stefan Zweig, Beware of Pity

The Melancholy Sojourner

Your heart is a shelter,

Ever ready to put up

Weary guests.

Even the melancholy sojourner

Will ask for rest.

Let him stay,

And when he is ready,

Let him leave

With words of blessing.

Plunge

When all around you cries

And crumbles,

Plunge within and beyond

Your Self.

There,

Beyond the chaos and tumult

And eddying whirlpools of memory,

lies clarity,

Radiant and unabashed.

Embrace it with all your heart,

And the Universe

Will embrace you.



The Guest

If you are in such a hurry to die,

Why does the same blue sky

Still shelter you?
But wait,

Tarry a while.

Keep the doors of your

Heart open,

Its interior pristine

For when the Guest finally arrives,

Weary from the journey.

That same Guest

Carries the key

To unbind your chains

And move you to tears

Once again.



Crossing the Slough of Despond

"They told me of the Slough of Dispond, where Christian was well nigh smothered. They told me that there were Archers standing ready in Beelzebub-castle to shoot them that should knock at the Wicket-gate for entrance. They told me also of the Wood and dark Mountains, of the Hill Difficulty, of the Lions, and also of the three Giants, Bloody-man, Maul and Slay good. They said moreover that there was a foul Fiend haunted the Valley of Humiliation, and that Christian was by him almost bereft of Life. Besides, say they, you must go over the Valley of the Shadow of Death, where the Hobgoblins are, where the Light is Darkness, where the way is full of Snares, Pits, Traps and Gins. They told me also of Giant Despair, of Doubting castyle and of the ruin that the Pilgrims met with there...And that after all this, I should find a River over which I should find no Bridge..."

--John Bunyan, The Pilgrim's Progress

Your Own Personal Assistant

Every day, we wrestle with questions great and small. What we often don't realize, however, is that we need not do it alone.

It is said that we only use 10% of our brains. But we can use the other 90%--if we know how.

Simply put, we can put our subconscious minds to work.

Here's how:

1) Enter a meditative state. Breathe in and out, until your mind is clear.

2) Then, picture the dilemma with which you're wrestling. Picture it as words written on paper. Maybe it comes to you in the form of an object. Does it appear as a wispy, abstract thought? That's fine too.

3) Now comes the fun part: turn it over--fully, without reservation--to your subconscious. You may picture it as a person, sent to assist you. Maybe it, too, is abstract and vague. I like to picture mine as a boundless, calm, crystal-clear ocean. Whatever form it takes, hand over your concern to it.

4) Wait.

The wait may be no longer than a good-night's sleep, or longer if the matter is serious and complex. Whatever the case, trust that your subconscious mind is amassing all its ample resources for the task.

The answer may unfold gradually, but more often--upon awakening in the morning, for instance--you may experience an "Aha!" moment in which the matter becomes clear.

Put your own personal assistant to work--you'll be very pleasantly surprised.

Blogging Dante: Part 5

"He seemed gnawed by remorse for his offense:
O noble conscience without stain! how sharp
the sting of a small fault is to your sense!"


Our conscience can be unduly harsh. Do not hold a grudge against it, however; it's there to guide us.


"No man may be so cursed by priest or Pope
but what the Eternal Love may still return
while any thread of green lives on in hope."


For as long as even a sliver of hope exists, you must press on.


"Such is this Mount that when a soul
begins the lower slopes it most must labor;
then less and less the more it nears its goal.

Thus when we reach the point where the slopes seem
so smooth and gentle that the climb becomes
as easy as to float a skiff downstream,

then will this road be run, and not before
that journey's end will your repose be found."


To reach heaven, we all must traverse our own personal hell.


"There is a place below where sorrow lies
in untormented gloom. Its lamentations
are not the shrieks of pain, but hopeless sighs."


The absence of hope burns harsher than any fire and brimstone.


"'Don't be afraid,' he said. 'From here our course
leads us to joy, you may be sure. Now, therefore,
hold nothing back, but strive with all your force."


However harsh your journey may be at the moment, never lose sight of the destination: the joy that awaits you.


"Remember, this day will not dawn again."


So seize it.


"Thus you may understand that love alone
is the true seed of every merit in you,
and of all acts for which you must atone."


Cultivate your love. It is within you--and more boundless than you can imagine.


"When Love inspires me with delight,
or pain, or longing, I take careful note,
and as he dictates in my soul, I write."


Whatever Love prompts you to do artistically, follow its injunctions with zeal.

On Diving

Depression, guilt, self-loathing--it feels solid, real.

This, however, is an illusion. But you need not take my word for it.

See for yourself.

Get into a meditative posture. Some prefer to sit. If, like me, you can only meditate while laying down, that's ok too.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Then...listen.

Allow whatever you're feeling free rein. Let it flood you.

Do not resist. Just feel.

After a while, something interesting begins to happen. The melancholy, which had felt so solid, begins to flicker.

At this point, you may feel strange physical sensations. Your arms may tingle. You may experience alternate feelings of coolness and warmth. Your center of consciousness may shift to the top of your head so you barely feel the rest of your body.

That's ok. Let it happen.

Eventually, you begin to sink down, beneath whatever sensation happens to be passing through.

Whatever you find down there is far more real than what you began with. Let it happen.

What do you discover down there? Sadness? Anger? Or just a vast, turbid numbness?

Do this as often as you can. Familiarize yourself with whatever lies underneath your melancholia. THIS is where reality awaits you.

Blogging: Friedrich Nietzsche

"How relieved the general feeling of life would be if, together with the belief in guilt, we could also get rid of the ancient instinct of revenge, and if we even considered it a fine cleverness in a happy person to pronounce a blessing over his enemies, with Christianity, and if we benefited those who had offended us. Let us remove the concept of sin from the world--and let us soon send the concept of punishment after it. May these banished monsters live somewhere else henceforth, not among men, if they insist on living at all and do not perish of their own disgust."

Guilt and revenge have plagued humankind for generations, resulting in untold deaths and misery. I, for one, wouldn't be sad to see them go.

 "But the worst enemy you can encounter will always be you, yourself; you lie in wait for yourself in caves and woods."

As a wise man once said, "We have seen the enemy, and he is us." Our most vicious battles are often fought with--ourselves. In such battles, who is the winner? Can there be a winner?

"Lonely one, you are going the way to yourself. And your way leads past yourself and your seven devils. You will be a heretic to yourself and a witch and soothsayer and fool and doubter and unholy one and a villain. You must wish to consume yourself in your own flame: how could you wish to become new unless you had first become ashes!"

Overcoming oneself is an arduous, and courageous, task. Do not spurn it. However difficult it may be, peer into your innermost depths, and overcome yourself.



"Physician, help yourself: thus you help your patient too. Let this be his best help that he may behold with his eyes the man who helps himself."

Do not wait for others to "fix" you. Work on yourself; you'd be surprised how many others will then lend their assistance. First you must show that you are serious about healing.

"There is much filth in the world; that much is true. But that does not make the world itself a filthy monster."

 

 

 

The world screams with anguish and suffering; yet that makes it no less beautiful. Gratitude for one's life, for one's world, is a very high, noble sentiment.

"Behold this man languishing here! He is but one span from his goal, but out of weariness he has defiantly lain down in the dust--this courageous man! Out of weariness he yawns at the way and the earth and the goal and himself: not one step farther will he go--this courageous man! Now the sun glows on him and the dogs lick his sweat; but he lies there in his defiance and would sooner die of thirst--die of thirst one span away from his goal!"

 

 

 

How many people have given up just short of their goal? How many ailing souls have quit mere seconds before insight and true healing? Learn from them--and keep going no matter what.

"The higher its type, the more rarely a thing succeeds. You higher men here, have you not all failed?

Be of good cheer, what does it matter? How much is still possible! Learn to laugh at yourselves as one must laugh!"

 You have failed; so what? Now you know what does not work. Cross it off the list, and plot your strategy anew.

"The most spiritual human beings, if we assume that they are the most courageous, also experience by far the most painful tragedies: but just for that reason they honor life because it pits its greatest opposition against them."

 

 

 

Life's difficulties are no argument against it; if anything, they are arguments for life. These same difficulties are a crucible in which your love and compassion are mercilessly forged.

"Strong hope is a far more powerful stimulant of life than any single realization of happiness could ever be."

Nurture your hope at all costs; it will never fail you.

 And, lastly...

"The 'kingdom of heaven' is a state of the heart...[T]he 'kingdom of God' is nothing that one expects; it has no yesterday and no day after tomorrow. It will not come in 'a thousand years'--it is an experience of the heart; it is everywhere, it is nowhere."

A Second Burial

The burial awaiting us at life's end is not the first.

How many of us have not been buried under the debris of crashing hopes, broken dreams, lost loves?

When any structure that brings us meaning comes crashing down, it is overwhelming. Suffocating.

The dust of our failure seeps into our lungs, choking us.

Do not believe it.

Struggle for one last breath--and reach up. Claw, with every waning ounce of strength, to be free again.

Reach up through the rubble. Maybe a helping hand will grasp yours and pull you to safety.


But at all times, reach up.

Inhale. Exhale. You are free.

"The Past Is Finished"

"The past is finished, and cannot be undone,

Care for the future should be our concern."

--Theognis of Megara

Blogging: Seneca

"Think for a long time whether or not you should admit a given person to your friendship. But when you have decided to do so, welcome him heart and soul, and speak as unreservedly with him as you would with yourself."

Be cautious when granting people admittance to your inner circle; but when you do grant it, do so without scruples.

 

 

 

"Fear keeps pace with hope. Nor does their so moving together surprise me; both belong to a mind in suspense, to a mind in a state of anxiety through looking into the future. Both are mainly due to projecting our thoughts far ahead of us instead of adapting ourselves to the present. Thus it is that foresight, the greatest blessing humanity has been given, is transformed into a curse."

As much as possible, stay in the present moment. That is where true healing awaits you.

"We who are recovering from a prolonged spiritual sickness are in the same condition as invalids who have been affected to such an extent by prolonged indisposition that they cannot once be taken out of doors without ill effects."

 

 

 

Depression is brutal and carries a venomous bite. Its devastating effects should never be underestimated.

 

 

 

"If God adds the morrow we should accept it joyfully. The man who looks for the morrow without worrying over it knows a peaceful independence and a happiness beyond all others. Whoever has said 'I have lived' receives a windfall every day he gets up in the morning."

 

 

 

Look to the future, by all means, but don't dwell on it. Exercise foresight with your feet planted firmly in the present.

 

 

 

"You rush hither and thither with the idea of dislodging a firmly seated weight when the very dashing about just adds to the trouble it causes you--like the cargo in a ship...Once you have rid yourself of the affliction there, though, every change of scene will become a pleasure. You may be banished to the ends of the earth, and yet in whatever outlandish corner of the world you may find yourself stationed, you will find that place, whatever it may be, a hospitable home. Where you arrive does not matter so much as what sort of person you are when you arrive there."

 

 

 

When there is a leaden weight on your conscience, there is no place on Earth that will grant you safe refuge. You must stay in the here and now--and stare yourself directly in the eyes without flinching.

 

 

 

"There is no need to raise our hands to heaven; there is no need to implore the temple warden to allow us close to the ear of some graven image, as though this increased the chances of our being heard. God is near you, is with you, is inside you."

 

 

 

Your questions are answered even before being asked. LISTEN.

 

 

 

"You've pledged to bring succour to the shipwrecked, to those in captivity, to the sick, the needy and men who are just placing their heads beneath the executioner's uplifted axe...All mankind are stretching out their hands to you on every side. Lives that have been ruined, lives that are on their way to ruin are appealing for some help; it is to you that they look for hope and assistance..."

 

 

 

So many people around you cry out for help. Use the compassion and understanding forged in your own suffering to help them.

 "Our whole universe is no more than a semblance of reality, perhaps a deceptive semblance, perhaps one without substance altogether."

Live with passion and determination, but avoid taking life too seriously.

 

 

 

"No moment is exempt: in the midst if pleasures there are found the springs of suffering. In the middle of peace war rears its head, and the bulwarks of one's security are transformed into sources of alarm, friend turning foe and ally turning enemy. The summer's calm is upset by sudden storms more severe than those of winter. In the absence of the enemy we suffer all that an enemy might wreak on us."

 

 

 

Within light, darkness; within darkness, light. Yin and yang.

 

 

 

"A setback has often cleared the way for greater prosperity. Many things have fallen only to rise to more exalted heights."

 

 

 

Pain gives birth to creativity and compassion. Do not spurn it; instead, gently embrace it--and, through a process of inner alchemy, transmute it into love.

Keep Going

"[T]hough life beckons it is not a sign that it will always look on you in favor. It beckons because you must make your journey, and you soon learn that in that journey there is also disappointment, failure, sorrow, frustration, weariness, and doubt. Just as you were carried along by your determination, you find yourself dragged down by failure. Then you learn that inside you, along with the will to win is a willingness to lose, to stop when the hill seems too steep, when the road becomes too narrow and rough. That willingness will speak to you of self-pity, and sometimes it will plead, and sometimes rant. But always it tries to make you stop."

--Joseph M. Marshall III, Keep Going: The Art of Perseverance

Recently, while wandering aimlessly through a bookstore (something I always relish), I found a priceless little gem of a book called Keep Going. It is a deeply moving book of Lakota wisdom. It is heartwrenching, direct, and lucid--but, at all times, compassionate and wise.

The basic premise of the message is quite simple: no matter what, KEEP GOING. Put one foot in front of the other.

Maybe you'll collapse from exhaustion. Or maybe that one extra step will lead you to your goal. The only way to know for sure is to try--with all one's might.

In depression, our journeys tend to be inward. Face your inner storm; look it straight in the eye--and, with tough-minded compassion, WALK THROUGH IT.

Keep going.

Step by step, descend into your inner self. Dark clouds rumble overhead, and the blinding bursts of lightning startle you...but keep going.

Many paths will branch off, enticing you to take it easy, to choose a less arduous course. Depression does not like to be found.

Keep going.

One step at a time. One.step.at.a.time.

Surely, that is a journey worth taking.



"Dying to Be Me"

"I continued to sense myself expanding further and further outward, drawing away from my physical surroundings. It was as though I were no longer restricted by the confines of space and time, and continued to spread myself out to occupy a greater expanse of consciousness. I felt a sense of freedom and liberation that I'd never experienced in my physical life before. I can only describe this as the combination of a sense of joy mixed with a generous sprinkling of jubilation and happiness. It stemmed from being released from my sick and dying body, a feeling of jubilant emancipation from all the pain that my illness had caused me." -- Anita Moorjani, Dying to Be Me: My Journey From Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing

In her remarkable memoir of sickness and recovery, Anita Moorjani narrates her journey to "the other side" after a particularly vicious bout of cancer. She experiences a glimpse of the beyond--only to return back to life, fully healed and profoundly enriched by her experience:

"Each morning, I woke up wanting to explore the world anew. Every day was a fresh adventure. I wanted to walk, drive, explore, sit on the hills and the sand, and just take in this life!...The deliciousness of each day made me feel as though I'd just been born."

What a beautiful line!...and yet...what a cruel taunt.


Yes, it is a beautiful description of a life begun anew after a near-death experience. But how many of us--stricken with depression, struggling to drag ourselves through the day--can honestly hope for such a miraculous recovery? How many of us can even imagine feeling "as though I'd just been born"?

How many of us can hope at all?


I believe that hoping for bliss, for a life after this one, is counterproductive when trying to overcome depression. It focuses our attention far beyond the present moment, projecting our wishes and dreams into a tenuous future.

The present moment is our only refuge.


Hoping for death, for an afterlife--this is precisely what the depression wants. Its goal is to drive a wedge between us and the full richness of the present-moment experience.


I don't know if an afterlife exists. I want to believe that it does, that someday our suffering simply ends and we rediscover some joyous component of ourselves we'd long given up for lost. But I also know that it is only here, now, that true healing can occur.

We must simply be, and live--now. It's all we can do.

Half a Life: Dealing With Guilt

"My internal climate was a hurricane alley. Emotions blew through, downing power lines, hefting cars onto roofs, destroying the finish. Low treas, dead wood thrown across traffic. That's the force of guilt for you." -- Darin Strauss


In Darin Strauss's remarkable memoir, Half a Life, he brilliantly describes the slow, agonizing grind of living with--and overcoming--crippling guilt.


In his case, the guilt was caused by a car accident that left a classmate dead. Though it was no fault of his, he spent nearly half his life (hence the title) coming to terms with the event.



I've come to believe that guilt is a universal experience, as quintessentially human as breathing and eating. Everyone regrets something. In Darin Strauss's case, it is a specific event; for others, it may be a more diffuse sense of human guilt over simply existing, being alive.


No emotion is as noxious, as corrosive, as destructive, as guilt. While healthy guilt (over genuine wrongdoings) reminds us not to repeat the offense again, the unhealthy variety eats us up from the inside, like acid, burning its way through the depths of our soul.


It doesn't stop until it has burned us to a crisp--or itself.


I have no easy answers. No magic pill, or self-help technique, will make your guilt disappear. I wish it were that simple, but it's not. Guilt is evil, and it HURTS, and it's quite real.


But there are ways of dealing with it. The important thing is to feel it.


Enter a meditative state in whatever way works for you. Then, open yourself to your guilt.



(NOTE: because this experience is so powerful, it is best done under the guidance of a qualified counselor)


Feel the guilt fully. Let it run its course, screaming wildly, banging its pots and pans of accusation.


Now, do something that will drive it nuts: gently, with compassion, ask it a question: "I am here. How may I be of service?"


Usually, the guilt has no idea how to respond. It flickers uncertainly, unsure of whether to continue its course of conquest or to retreat.


Then--LISTEN TO ITS ANSWER.


It may be that nothing will change. Or, suddenly, you may gain an insight into your guilt that it has been waiting to share with you. You may find something else underneath all that guilt--sadness (as in my case), or some other underlying emotion.


Or, the guilt may not change at all.


Either way, listen. Learn to respect your guilt, and to view it with compassion and love. It, too, suffers.

"Things don't go away. They become you...But we keep making our way, as we have to. We're all pretty much able to deal even with the worst that life can fire at us, if we simply admit that it is very difficult. I think that's the whole of the answer. We make our way, and effort and time give us cushion and dignity. And as we age, we're riding higher in the saddle, seeing more terrain."

"But when you tell your own story honestly, that epiphany thing is rare: there is no walk, there is no fated grab. You try every fruit, or forget there even are trees, and wander from forest to forest, losing sight of any destination. The only changes are emergencies or blessings: when you wake up, notice the surroundings, then fall back, and wander more. And if you're lucky you end up walking again through a life where you're never called on to do too much noticing...This is what guilt is like, this is what grief is like, this is how a life forms: when you can't ignore it, when it wraps itself around one event like a vine clutching a rock."

-- Darin Strauss, Half a Life

The Elusive Present

"The present moment is thus not limited from one point on the clock to another. It is always 'pregnant,' always ready to open, to give birth. One has only to try the experiment of looking deeply within himself, let us say, trailing almost any random idea, and he will find, so rich is a moment of consciousness in the human mind, that associations and new ideas beckon in every direction. Or take a dream--it occurred in just one flash of consciousness as the alarm went off, yet it might take many minutes for you to tell all it pictured...Time for the human being is not a corridor; it is a continual opening out."

--Rollo May, Man's Search for Himself

Depression often makes it very difficult to remain grounded in the present moment. Instead, our ever-chattering, ever-suffering minds roam back and forth, from the past to the future and back, over and over again, like a hyperactive pendulum.

Sadly, in so doing, we miss the healing potential of the present moment.

The key, as I've come to realize--both through reading and via personal experience--is to bring the past and the future into the present.

The best way to do so is through meditation.

Bring yourself to a state of meditative awareness (in whichever way works for you)...and FEEL the past and the future. Feel them as richly as your can here, now.

Feel your yearning for an idealized distant past--or the pain of a past that you wish you could alter.

Feel your anxieties, hopes, fears, dreams of the future.

Feel both in the here and now, as fully as possible.

After a while, both the past and the future become a part of your present moment--and your mind no longer feels the need to roam. It can stay in the center of your being and, from there, survey the eternal landscape in every direction.

Healing can occur only in the present moment. So seize it fully, and be well.

Guesthouse of Despair

"Depressive psychosis is the extreme on the continuum of too much necessity, that is, of too much finitude, too much limitation by the body and the behaviors of the person in the real world, and not enough freedom of the inner self, of inner symbolic possibility. This is how we understand depressive psychosis today: as a bogging down in the femands of others--family, job, the narrow horizon of daily dutues. In such a bogging down the individual does not feel or see that he has alternatives, cannot imagine any choices or alternate ways of life, cannot release himself from the network of obligations even though these obligations no longer give him a sense of self-esteem, of primary value, of being a heroic contributor to world life even by doing his daily family and job duties." -- ERNEST BECKER

Fear of death is a normal part of life--or so Ernest Becker believed.

Sadly, for those of us who struggle daily with depression, we are afraid--all too acutely--of life.

In each of us, an insidious voice whispers alluring lies...and, far too often, we listen and nod our approval.

You are worthless.

Your guilt will haunt you forever.

You feel terrible about yourself? Good. You should.

And, the kicker:

Why don't you just DIE? The world will be better off without you.

This last one HURTS. We scramble to respond with a self-reassuring platitude to pacify the demon. It works...for a while. Then, the voice returns, twice as loud, twice as angry...twice as false.

I have come to realize that the only way to transcend the death drive is to listen to it. Get to know it, as one gets to know a temporary guest.

Bring yourself to a state of meditative awareness.

Then, listen.

This lying voice--what does it sound like? Does it whisper or shout? Is it slick, grumpy, or frothing with rage?

When does it speak to you?

LISTEN.

After a while, something truly remarkable happens. The voice grows weaker, softer, less self-assured.

Want to really drive it nuts? Then do this.

Smile...and bow to it.

At that moment, the "voice" is often so stunned that it grows silent. When it finally resumes its whispering, its former power is somehow diminished.

And you...you suddenly feel a flush of sorrow and compassion for this lonely, frightened voice deep down inside, which rages and raves simply because it is so utterly alone and terrified.

When you feel love for it...it grows quiet..

So, as Rumi enjoined, love every guest that travels through your mind--but keep both doors open. Let them pass through, and send them off with a smile.

Try it--and please, let me know how it works out!

Anonymous: Heal the World

Arrested Development

"To lie to oneself about one's own potential development is another cause of guilt. It is one of the most insidious daily inner gnawings a person can experience. Guilt, remember, is the bind that man experiences when he is humbled and stopped in ways that he does not understand, when he is overshadowed in his energies by the world. But the misfortune of man is that he can experience this guilt in two ways: as bafflement from without and from within--by being stopped in relation to his own potential development. Guilt results from unused life, from 'the unlived in us.'" -- ERNEST BECKER

Spirit Metal: Interlude

The Heckler in the Stands

Shakespeare was right--life is a stage.

It is meant to be a grand stage, full of gaudy lights and neon signs, jesters and clowns and acrobats.

Sadly, for many of us, there is a heckler in the audience.

Depression.

Whenever we join in the merry festivities--whenever we truly live--it shouts us down.

Fortunately, the metaphor carries a grain of hope. Like others, this heckler can be dealt with.

Have you ever seen a truly talented performer deal with one? They don't lose their minds, or shout until they're red-faced. No--they use a witty, well-timed put-down that gets the audience roaring with laughter. So funny that even the heckler must laugh.

Depression is no different. Try to fight it, or shout it down, and it only grows more vicious. Lose your temper, and it wins. At least no one will upload the resulting meltdown to YouTube...hopefully.

Instead, maintain your composure. Be strong. Respond to the depression with humor and magnanimity--disarming it, while simultaneously projecting your inner resolve. Seamlessly incorporate it into your act--your life--so that it has no choice but TO SERVE YOU.

No heckler can resist that.

Blogging Dante: Part 4

"As one who falls

And knows not how--if a demon pulled him down,

Or another blockage human life entails--

And when he rises stares about confused

By the great anguish that he knows he feels..."

 

 

Sometimes, our suffering has no clear cause. It is important to investigate it anyway. How does it feel? Where do you feel it? What triggers it?

"While I was staring at the sinners below

A serpent darted forward that had six feet,

And facing one of the three it fastened on him

All over--with the middle feet it got

A grip upon the belly, with each fore-limb

It clasped an arm; its fangs gripped both his cheeks;

It spread its hind feet out to do the same

To both his thighs, extending its tail to flex

Between them upward through to the loins behind.

No ivy growing in a tree's bark sticks

As firmly as the horrid beast entwined

Its limbs around the other. Then, as if made

Out of hot wax, they clung and made a bond

And mixed their colors; and neither could be construed

As what it was at first..."

Our thoughts get tangled and blurred together quite often. When that happens, sit still for a while and let them settle.

 

"You were not born to live as a mere brute does,

But for the pursuit of knowledge and the good."

 

 

 

You were born to be happy, to embrace your fullest joy and potential. The depression you feel is NOT you.

"From fire, the melancholy words were transmuted

Into fire's language."

Take your depression and put it into words. Express it somehow. When you do, it loses much of its power--because, by being expressed, it is driven out into the open, where there's nowhere for it to hide.

"I saw--and writing it now, my brain still envisions--

A headless trunk that walked, in sad promenade

Shuffling the dolorous track with its companions,

And the trunk was carrying the severed head,

Gripping its hair like a lantern, letting it swing,

And the head looked up at us: 'Oh me!' it cried.

He was himself and his lamp as he strode along,

Two in one, and one in two--and how it can be,

Only He knows, who so ordains the thing."

 

 

 

Carrying a severed head = taking the mind out of the equation. When this happens, your feelings overwhelm you. Feel them, by all means, but do not surrender your powers of discernment.

"'What are you staring at? Why let your vision

Linger down there among the disconsolate

And mutilated shades?'"

 

 

Do not dwell among your own "disconsolate shades" for too long at any one time. Give yourself a respite to gather strength for the next leg of the journey.

 

 

 

"[Satan] wept with all six eyes, and the tears fell

Over his three chins mingled with bloody foam."

 

At the end of your journey through your pain, you encounter its cause--and it is weeping. It, too, suffers. Suddenly, your pain is transmuted into profound compassion.

"But night is rising again, and it is time

That we depart, for we have seen the whole."

Blogging Dante: Part 3

"Bound for the pit, this is no causeless trek."

　

Indeed it isn't. You have concrete reasons for descending into the heart of your despair. That reason is recovery.

　

"Now you can see, my son, how ludicrous

And brief are all the goods in Fortune's ken,

Which humankind contend for: you see from this

How all the gold there is beneath the moon,

Or all that there ever was, could not relieve

One of these weary souls."

　

Material possessions may fill the void temporarily--but, in the long run, they turn against you. Therapy can be bought, but at what a price!


"Fortune, like any god, foresees,
　

Judges, and rules her appointed realm. No truces

Can stop her turning...She is cursed

Too often by those who ought to sing her praises,

Wrongfully blamed and defamed."

　

Not all suffering means something. That's not to say that you can't use it as a gateway to joy.

　

"Although I come, I do not come to remain."

　

Do not tarry inside your own thoughts for too long. Let them pass, and move on ahead.

　

"So he goes away and leaves me, the gentle father,

While I remain in doubt, with yes and no

Vying in my head."

　

Do not be afraid of doubt. Doubt is healthy. Doubt heals. Go through to the other side of certainty as often as possible.

　

"This quagmire which produces

So strong a stench surrounds the city of woe

We cannot enter now except with wrath."

　

Anger is a step above depression. Do not reject it out of hand. Use it.

　

"'And I pray

You, listen'--he raised a finger at the word.

'When you confront her radiance, whose eyes can see

Everything in their fair clarity, be assured

Then you shall learn what your life's journey will be."

　

When you have descended beneath your sadness, you will discover exactly why the journey will have had been worthwhile.

　

"On every side, I heard wailing voices grieve,

Yet I could not see anyone there to wail..."

　

Some thoughts cannot be assigned a shape, or a voice. They are amorphous, ephemeral. Listen to them anyway.

　

"And I--I made my own house be my gallows."

　

Your guilt is your gallows. Slowly, painstakingly, deconstruct it, brick by brick, nail by nail.

　

"If you keep navigating by your star

You'll find a glorious port, if I discerned

Well in the fair life."

　

No matter what, follow your inner guidance. Take heed of its instructions. It's more accurate than any GPS system ever invented.

　

"I leave the bitter gall behind, and aspire

Toward the sweet fruits promised by my guide,

But first I must go downward to the core."

　

Before heaven, you must walk through hell. Walk through the core of your depression--if for no other reason than to discover what's on the other side.

　

"What your mind dreams will be before your eyes."

　

Whatever path you picture for yourself, it will materialize, often in very unexpected ways.

　

"There is a place called Malebolge in Hell...

Right in the center of this malign field yawns

A wide deep pit...

To my right side I saw new tortures, new woes,

And new tormentorrs, with whom the first ditch teemed..."


Each of us has our own Malebolge--and each of us must traverse it.


"Readying myself at the cliff's brink, I looked down

Into the canyon my master had revealed

And saw that it was watered by tears of pain:

All through the circular valley I beheld

A host of people coming, weeping but mute.

They walked at a solemn pace...

The head was twisted backwards: some cruel torsion

Forced face toward kidneys, and the people strode

Backwards, because deprived of forward vision."


Depression makes backward walkers out of us all.


"'I tell you, have no fear: it is the wretches

Who boil here that they menace--so let them grind

As fiercely as they like, and scowl their worst."

　

Let your inner demons scowl and gnash their teeth all they want. You need not take their ranting seriously.

　

"[T]he demon turned his claws

Upon his comrade and grappled him in midair

Above the fosse. But his opponent was

A full-grown hawk equipped with claws to respond

Truly and well; and as they fought, the brace

Fell into the middle of the boiling pond.

The heat unclenched them at once; but though released

They could not rise, because their wings were gummed

And clotted."

　

　

Be still, and allow your thoughts to fight it out among themselves. Then, deal with the winner. It's much easier this way.

　

　

"'To cast off sloth

Now well behooves you,' said my master then:

'For resting upon soft down, or underneath

The blanket's cloth, is not how fame is won--

Without which, one spends life to leave behind

As vestige of himself on earth the sign

Smoke leaves on air, or foam on water. So stand

And overcome your panting--with the soul,

Which wins all battles if it does not despond

Under its body's heavy weight."

　

To which you must reply:

　

"Go on, for I am strong and resolute."

Blogging Dante: Interlude

"'Master, these torments--tell me, will they increase

After the Judgment, or lessen, or merely endure,

Burning as much as now?' He said, 'In this,

Go back to your science, which teaches that the more

A creature is perfect, the more it perceives the good--

And likewise pain." (emphasis added)

Without romanticizing pain, take heart from the fact that you've endured so much of it--and survived. That takes courage. The greater your pain, the deeper you are in your own hell--and are that much closer to recovery.

Blogging Dante: Part 2

"You, who have come to sorrow's hospice, think well...

Beware how you come in and whom you trust,

Don't be deceived because the gate is wide."

When depression strikes, all sorts of thoughts begin knocking on your door. Be judicious in granting them admittance.

"I am where

All light is mute, with a bellowing like the ocean

Turbulent in a storm of warring winds,

The hurricane of Hell in perpetual motion

Sweeping the ravaged spirits as it rends,

Twists, and torments them. Driven as if to land,

They reach the ruin: groaning, tears, laments,

And cursing of the power of Heaven."

Thoughts will arise in the murky depths, thoughts of grief and agony. Again, be cautious in whom you allow to enter the inner chambers of your mind. Depression calls for vitilant gatekeeping.

"No sadness

Is greater than in misery to rehearse

Memories of joy..."

Do not attempt to force happiness. Walk straight through your pain, with a bold, determined step.

"I am in the third

Circle, a realm of cold and heavy rain--

A dark, accursed torrent eternally poured

With changeless measure and nature. Enormous hail

And tainted water mixed with snow are showered

Steadily through the shadowy air of hell:

The soil they drench gives off a putrid odor.

Three-headed Cerberus, mostrous and cruel,

Barks doglike at the souls immersed here, louder

For his triple throat."


As your journey continues, stay strong. Feel the fear if you must, but keep going.

Blogging Dante: Part 1

"Midway on our life's journey, I found myself
In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell
About these woods is hard--so tangled and rough
And savage that thinking of it now, I feel
the old fear stirring; death is hardly more
bitter.
And yet, to treat the good I found there as well
I'll tell what I saw..."


　
Thus begins your descent. Fear not: you aren't the first to make this journey. Help is available--but only if you tell what you saw. Find someone to whom you can relate your tale. The effects are profoundly cathartic.


　
"Then I could feel the terror begin to ease
That churned in my heart's lake all through the night.
As one still panting, ashore from dangerous seas
Looks back at the deep he has escaped, my thought
Returned, still fleeing, to regard that grim defile
That never left alive any who stayed in it."


　
Depression is a jealous author with a forked tongue. Do not believe it. Reserve for yourself, and yourself alone, the right to tell your story.


　
"But you--why go back down to such misery?
Why not ascend the delightful mountain, source
And principle that causes every joy?"


　
NOT SO FAST. Before ascending, one must descend.The path to heaven invariably leads through hell--"To hear the cries of despair, and to behold
Ancient tormented spirits as they lament
In chorus the second death they must abide."


"Help me escape this evil that I face,
And worse. Lead me to witness what you have said,
Saint Peter's gate, and the multitude of woes."


　
To escape hell, one must first traverse it. The good news is, you can always ask for assistance. Many have walked down the same road; they know the way--and they can help you.


　
"While I alone was preparing as though for war
To struggle with the journey and with the spirit
Of pity, which flawless memory must redraw."


　
While others may help guide you, it is up to you to put one foot in front of the other. You, and you alone, can make the pitiless journey through hell.


　
"But I--what cause, whose favor, could send me forth
Onn such a voyage? I am no Aeneas or Paul:
Not I nor others think me of such worth."
"'If I understand correctly,' the generous shade retorted,
'Cowardice grips your spirit--which can twist
A man away from the noblest enterprise
As a trick of vision startled a shying beast."


　
Did you hear that? Dante praises you for attempting the journey. If you are strong enough to wade through your own nightmares, you are of immense worth. However often depression tries to convince you otherwise, always know this. "Why be a coward rather than bolder, freer...?


　
Virgil: "Fear befits things with power for injury/Not things which lack such power."


　
Depression is a thing that lacks such power--unless you choose to grant it. In fact, depression is no-thing at all.


　
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YOU WHO ENTER HERE
"All fear must be left here, and cowardice die."


　
Be fearless in your journey. Countless others have made it before you--and survived.


　
"The sighs, groans and laments at first were so loud,
Resounding through starless air, I began to weep:
Strange languages, horrible screams, words imbued
With rage or despair, cries as of troubled sleep
Or of a tortured shrillness--they rose in a coil
Of tumult, along with noises like the slap
Of beating hands, all fused in a ceaseless flame
That churns and frenzies that dark and timeless air
Like sand in a whirlwind."


　
No one ever said it would be easy...


　
Virgil: "Souls who are good
Never pass this way; therefore, if you hear
Charon complaining at your presence, consider
What that means."


　
Depression will complain about your presence in its domain, even as it seeks to consume you. That's because it's used to victims--not explorers. Be an explorer, then.


　
"Peering to find where I was--in truth, the lip
Above the chasm of pain, which holds the din
Of infinite grief: a gulf so dark and deep
And murky that though I gazed intently down
Into the canyon, I could see nothing below."
'Now we descend into the sightless zone...'


　
Among the most insidious aspects of depression is that it places you right on the rim of "the chasm of pain," without granting you the sharp-sightedness to see what lies below. Since imagination, like nature, abhors a vacuum, it quickly fills the abyss with a grotesque assortment of ghouls and despair.


　
"'[H]aving no hope, we live in longing."

　
Longing for happiness, for joy--or for death. Do not believe it--that's the depression talking. What you need is not hope, but the determination to go through with your journey.


　
"So I descended from first to second circle--
Which girdles a smaller space and greater pain,
Which spurs more lamentation."

Blogging Sun Tzu

Sun Tzu--The Art of War

"All warfare is based on deception."

The words "depression" and "deception" aren't that far off--and for good reason.

"Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected."

Depression may strike you when you least expect it. Conversely, however, you can strike it at an opportune moment, when it expects you to do one thing, and you--anticipating--do something else entirely.

"It is only one who is thoroughly acquainted with the evils of war that can thoroughly understand the profitable way of carrying it on."

Only the hardened understanding forged in the battle against depression can give you the knowledge of how best to beat it. There are no quick solutions. It takes time.

"Camp in high places, facing the sun."

Depression loves darkness. Strive to spend as much time as you can in the light, both literally and metaphorically.

"When [the enemy] is aloof and tries to provoke a battle, he is anxious for the other side to advance."

The thunder and bluster of depression are a front. When it feels like it can't possibly get any worse, that is when you know the battle is almost won.

"If the enemy leaves a door open, you must rush in."

At the slighest sign of weakening in your depression, attack. Take no prisoners.

"A wind that rises in the daytime lasts long, but a night breeze soon falls."

Depression is a night breeze; joy is a daytime wind.

"Anger may in time change to gladness; vexation may be succeeded by content."

Depression may be--WILL be--succeeded by joy.

"[W]hat enables the wise sovereign and the good general to strike and conquer, and achieve things beyond the reach of ordinary men, is foreknowledge."

"We are not fit to lead an army on the march unless we are familiar with the face of the country--its mountains and forests, its pitfalls and precipices, its marshes and swamps."

Learn the patterns of your depression. When does it advance? Directly, or by subterfuge? Does it rush headlong into battle or hold back, waiting for you to make the first move?

"Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."

"Therefore the skilful leader subdues the enemy's troops without any fighting; he captures their cities without laying siege to them; he overthrows their kingdom without lengthy operations in the field."

Confronting depression is noble, but a head-to-head battle isn't likely to end favorably. Instead, seek a way to undermine your depression without raising a hand against it.

"The consummate leader cultivates the moral law, and strictly adheres to method and discipline; thus it is in his power to control success."

No matter how wretched you feel, set a routine and follow it. Depression loathes the regularity of a well-structured day..

"Amid the turmoil and tumult of battle, there may be seeming disorder and yet no real disorder at all; amid confusion and chaos, your array may be without head or tail, yet it will be proof against defeat."

Depression can flail and wail all it wants; its fury is, paradoxically, the sign of its weakness and desperation. When facing it, remain calm; victory is near.

"Do not repeat the tactics which have gained you one victory, but let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstance."

Just because one stratagem was successful, do not assume it will succeed again; always be on the lookout for new tactics.


"Disciplined and calm, to await the appearance of disorder and hubbub amongst the enemy:--this is the art of retaining self-possession."

Again, let your depression rage all it wants; its disquiet is a sign of desperation.

"Humble words and increased preparations are signs that the enemy is about to advance. Violent language and driving forward as if to attack are signs that he will retreat."

It is no coincidence that many patients with depression attempt suicide precisely when they are beginning to get better. Depression speaks in honeyed words, lulling you to sleep. Ironically, it is during respites of peace that your vigilance must be at its highest. Calmly, but steadily, watch out for subterfuge.

"Whether the object be to crush an army, to storm a city, or to assassinate an individual, it is always necessary to begin by finding out the names of the attendants, the aides-de-camp, the door-keepers and sentries of the general in command. Our spies must be commisioned to ascertain these."

Get to know your depression in intimate detail. Do not wage battle against it without a detailed blueprint.

"[I]f you know the enemy and yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."

--SUN TZU, The Art of War

Become Curious About Your Affliction

"When things fall apart, instead of struggling to regain our concept of who we are, we can use it as an opportunity to be open and inquisitive about what has just happen and what will happen next."

Pema Chödrön, Comfortable With Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion
*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Curiosity doesn't easily lend itself to a depressed mind. Yet, ironically, it may be the key that unlocks the door to wellness.

When you reach "rock bottom" and feel like you cannot possibly sink any lower...that there is little, if any, hope...that there's no point in continuing...Keep digging. Become curious.

It may be a morbid curiosity--but it may well save your life.

Become curious about what is happening to you.

Walk around your despair. Poke and prod it with a stick. Is it squishy? Solid? Liquid?

How do you feel when it hits? Or better yet: Where do you feel when it hits?

Where in your body do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your fingertips?

When does it arrive? When does it leave?

Here is where being morbidly curious can really become interesting:

What controls the ebb and flow of my suffering?

By finally mustering the courage to ask this question, you get to bypass the phenomenal symptoms of your suffering and head straight for the noumenon.

Look at it. Examine it with all the attention your weary mind can muster.

What is it, REALLY?

The answer is different for everyone. For me, when I finally looked past the depression, what I saw was--sadness. An endless sea, stretching out in every direction, fading behind the pallid, leaden horizon.

Yet even that sadness may have been a spark given off by something else, something buried much deeper in the Unconscious.

As you can tell, I'm still searching. And...I invite you to do the same.

"Everything Is Found Because It Is Lost"

"Zen invites us...to a task which, up to satori exclusively, can only appear to us as a descent. In a sense everything becomes worse little by little up to the moment when the bottom is reached, when nothing can any longer become worse, and in which everything is found because it is lost."

--Hubert Benoit, Zen and the Psychology of Transformation

"Who Am I?"

Blow Up the Cave of Phantoms

"The man who works according to Zen becomes ever more indifferent to his actions, to his imaginations, to his sentiments; for all that is precisely the formal machinery with which he is obliged to share his energy. This man can work inwardly all day...without this work comprising the slightest spiritual 'exercise,' the least intentional discriminative reflection, the slightest rule of moral conduct, the least trouble to do 'good.' Turning his back on the visible and its phantoms, fair or ugly, he accumulates in the invisible the charge of energy which will one day blow up in him all the 'cave of phantoms,' and will open to him thus the real plenitude of his daily life."

--Hubert Benoit, Zen and the Psychology of Transformation: The Supreme Doctrine

"Tigers Above, Tigers Below"

"Begin with being willing to feel what you are going through. Be willing to have a compassionate relationship with the parts of yourself that you feel are not worthy of existing. If you are willing through meditation to be mindful not only of what feels comfortable but also what pain feels like, if you even aspire to stay awake and open to what you're feeling, to recognize and acknowledge it as best you can in each moment, then something begins to change."

--Pema Chödrön

As a depression sufferer for nearly two decades, it has taken me woefully long to recognize one simple truth: running from it doesn't help.

Depression casts too big a shadow. Wherever you turn, there it is.

Running isn't the answer. Leaning is.

Sit or lay down. Take a few deep breaths to calm your mind.

In. Out. In. Out.

Picture your depression however it appears to you. To some, it is a menacing hooded figure. To others, it's a thick metallic cloud that gags and chokes them. Still others merely feel it as an amorphous something.

Whatever it is, hold it steady in your mind's eye. Then, approach it.

Walk right up to the brink--and lean.

How do you feel? What does this boundary between yourself and your demons feel like? What emotions does it rouse in you? What thoughts rush screaming by?

Study them all.

Then--take a big, healthy bite of your demons.

Chew it over slowly, with relish. Ruminate upon it.

What does your depression taste like? Is it full of flavor? Is it spicy, bitter, or bland?

Begin with one small bite per session. Spending too long in the presence of something as overpowering as depression can be, well, overpowering. Take it slow. Be gentle with yourself.

Slowly, with each session, get to know that which plagues you. Learn its taste, its smell, its texture. Learn what triggers it. Learn the feelings that arise in your body whenever it casts its shadow on you.

If you cannot flee from your demons, study them. Become an expert. Books can help, but in the end, YOU are the writer and explorer. You are sailing into the eye of your very own inner storm, where no one can fully accompany you.

Become a cartographer of your own misery--and something mysterious begins to happen. Something magical.

The further you lean into your torment, the further away it recedes.

The better you get to know it, the less threatening it becomes.

At a certain point, when you've become a Ph.D on the subject of your inner typhoon, you will find yourself actually smiling at your demons. And why not? They have given you ample material to study.

Here's my personal plea: once you've fully mapped out your condition--with all its manifold peaks, valleys, raging waterfalls, whirlpools--help guide others down their path. True, their own map differs...but by now, you will have had established certain landmarks along the way.

You have become a true cartographer of your inner self. You are now in a position to assist others on their journey.

And that is a gift worth suffering for.