The Elusive Present

"The present moment is thus not limited from one point on the clock to another. It is always 'pregnant,' always ready to open, to give birth. One has only to try the experiment of looking deeply within himself, let us say, trailing almost any random idea, and he will find, so rich is a moment of consciousness in the human mind, that associations and new ideas beckon in every direction. Or take a dream--it occurred in just one flash of consciousness as the alarm went off, yet it might take many minutes for you to tell all it pictured...Time for the human being is not a corridor; it is a continual opening out."

--Rollo May, Man's Search for Himself

Depression often makes it very difficult to remain grounded in the present moment. Instead, our ever-chattering, ever-suffering minds roam back and forth, from the past to the future and back, over and over again, like a hyperactive pendulum.

Sadly, in so doing, we miss the healing potential of the present moment.

The key, as I've come to realize--both through reading and via personal experience--is to bring the past and the future into the present.

The best way to do so is through meditation.

Bring yourself to a state of meditative awareness (in whichever way works for you)...and FEEL the past and the future. Feel them as richly as your can here, now.

Feel your yearning for an idealized distant past--or the pain of a past that you wish you could alter.

Feel your anxieties, hopes, fears, dreams of the future.

Feel both in the here and now, as fully as possible.

After a while, both the past and the future become a part of your present moment--and your mind no longer feels the need to roam. It can stay in the center of your being and, from there, survey the eternal landscape in every direction.

Healing can occur only in the present moment. So seize it fully, and be well.

Guesthouse of Despair

"Depressive psychosis is the extreme on the continuum of too much necessity, that is, of too much finitude, too much limitation by the body and the behaviors of the person in the real world, and not enough freedom of the inner self, of inner symbolic possibility. This is how we understand depressive psychosis today: as a bogging down in the femands of others--family, job, the narrow horizon of daily dutues. In such a bogging down the individual does not feel or see that he has alternatives, cannot imagine any choices or alternate ways of life, cannot release himself from the network of obligations even though these obligations no longer give him a sense of self-esteem, of primary value, of being a heroic contributor to world life even by doing his daily family and job duties." -- ERNEST BECKER

Fear of death is a normal part of life--or so Ernest Becker believed.

Sadly, for those of us who struggle daily with depression, we are afraid--all too acutely--of life.

In each of us, an insidious voice whispers alluring lies...and, far too often, we listen and nod our approval.

You are worthless.

Your guilt will haunt you forever.

You feel terrible about yourself? Good. You should.

And, the kicker:

Why don't you just DIE? The world will be better off without you.

This last one HURTS. We scramble to respond with a self-reassuring platitude to pacify the demon. It works...for a while. Then, the voice returns, twice as loud, twice as angry...twice as false.

I have come to realize that the only way to transcend the death drive is to listen to it. Get to know it, as one gets to know a temporary guest.

Bring yourself to a state of meditative awareness.

Then, listen.

This lying voice--what does it sound like? Does it whisper or shout? Is it slick, grumpy, or frothing with rage?

When does it speak to you?

LISTEN.

After a while, something truly remarkable happens. The voice grows weaker, softer, less self-assured.

Want to really drive it nuts? Then do this.

Smile...and bow to it.

At that moment, the "voice" is often so stunned that it grows silent. When it finally resumes its whispering, its former power is somehow diminished.

And you...you suddenly feel a flush of sorrow and compassion for this lonely, frightened voice deep down inside, which rages and raves simply because it is so utterly alone and terrified.

When you feel love for it...it grows quiet..

So, as Rumi enjoined, love every guest that travels through your mind--but keep both doors open. Let them pass through, and send them off with a smile.

Try it--and please, let me know how it works out!

Anonymous: Heal the World

Arrested Development

"To lie to oneself about one's own potential development is another cause of guilt. It is one of the most insidious daily inner gnawings a person can experience. Guilt, remember, is the bind that man experiences when he is humbled and stopped in ways that he does not understand, when he is overshadowed in his energies by the world. But the misfortune of man is that he can experience this guilt in two ways: as bafflement from without and from within--by being stopped in relation to his own potential development. Guilt results from unused life, from 'the unlived in us.'" -- ERNEST BECKER

Spirit Metal: Interlude

The Heckler in the Stands

Shakespeare was right--life is a stage.

It is meant to be a grand stage, full of gaudy lights and neon signs, jesters and clowns and acrobats.

Sadly, for many of us, there is a heckler in the audience.

Depression.

Whenever we join in the merry festivities--whenever we truly live--it shouts us down.

Fortunately, the metaphor carries a grain of hope. Like others, this heckler can be dealt with.

Have you ever seen a truly talented performer deal with one? They don't lose their minds, or shout until they're red-faced. No--they use a witty, well-timed put-down that gets the audience roaring with laughter. So funny that even the heckler must laugh.

Depression is no different. Try to fight it, or shout it down, and it only grows more vicious. Lose your temper, and it wins. At least no one will upload the resulting meltdown to YouTube...hopefully.

Instead, maintain your composure. Be strong. Respond to the depression with humor and magnanimity--disarming it, while simultaneously projecting your inner resolve. Seamlessly incorporate it into your act--your life--so that it has no choice but TO SERVE YOU.

No heckler can resist that.

Blogging Dante: Part 4

"As one who falls

And knows not how--if a demon pulled him down,

Or another blockage human life entails--

And when he rises stares about confused

By the great anguish that he knows he feels..."

 

 

Sometimes, our suffering has no clear cause. It is important to investigate it anyway. How does it feel? Where do you feel it? What triggers it?

"While I was staring at the sinners below

A serpent darted forward that had six feet,

And facing one of the three it fastened on him

All over--with the middle feet it got

A grip upon the belly, with each fore-limb

It clasped an arm; its fangs gripped both his cheeks;

It spread its hind feet out to do the same

To both his thighs, extending its tail to flex

Between them upward through to the loins behind.

No ivy growing in a tree's bark sticks

As firmly as the horrid beast entwined

Its limbs around the other. Then, as if made

Out of hot wax, they clung and made a bond

And mixed their colors; and neither could be construed

As what it was at first..."

Our thoughts get tangled and blurred together quite often. When that happens, sit still for a while and let them settle.

 

"You were not born to live as a mere brute does,

But for the pursuit of knowledge and the good."

 

 

 

You were born to be happy, to embrace your fullest joy and potential. The depression you feel is NOT you.

"From fire, the melancholy words were transmuted

Into fire's language."

Take your depression and put it into words. Express it somehow. When you do, it loses much of its power--because, by being expressed, it is driven out into the open, where there's nowhere for it to hide.

"I saw--and writing it now, my brain still envisions--

A headless trunk that walked, in sad promenade

Shuffling the dolorous track with its companions,

And the trunk was carrying the severed head,

Gripping its hair like a lantern, letting it swing,

And the head looked up at us: 'Oh me!' it cried.

He was himself and his lamp as he strode along,

Two in one, and one in two--and how it can be,

Only He knows, who so ordains the thing."

 

 

 

Carrying a severed head = taking the mind out of the equation. When this happens, your feelings overwhelm you. Feel them, by all means, but do not surrender your powers of discernment.

"'What are you staring at? Why let your vision

Linger down there among the disconsolate

And mutilated shades?'"

 

 

Do not dwell among your own "disconsolate shades" for too long at any one time. Give yourself a respite to gather strength for the next leg of the journey.

 

 

 

"[Satan] wept with all six eyes, and the tears fell

Over his three chins mingled with bloody foam."

 

At the end of your journey through your pain, you encounter its cause--and it is weeping. It, too, suffers. Suddenly, your pain is transmuted into profound compassion.

"But night is rising again, and it is time

That we depart, for we have seen the whole."

Blogging Dante: Part 3

"Bound for the pit, this is no causeless trek."

　

Indeed it isn't. You have concrete reasons for descending into the heart of your despair. That reason is recovery.

　

"Now you can see, my son, how ludicrous

And brief are all the goods in Fortune's ken,

Which humankind contend for: you see from this

How all the gold there is beneath the moon,

Or all that there ever was, could not relieve

One of these weary souls."

　

Material possessions may fill the void temporarily--but, in the long run, they turn against you. Therapy can be bought, but at what a price!


"Fortune, like any god, foresees,
　

Judges, and rules her appointed realm. No truces

Can stop her turning...She is cursed

Too often by those who ought to sing her praises,

Wrongfully blamed and defamed."

　

Not all suffering means something. That's not to say that you can't use it as a gateway to joy.

　

"Although I come, I do not come to remain."

　

Do not tarry inside your own thoughts for too long. Let them pass, and move on ahead.

　

"So he goes away and leaves me, the gentle father,

While I remain in doubt, with yes and no

Vying in my head."

　

Do not be afraid of doubt. Doubt is healthy. Doubt heals. Go through to the other side of certainty as often as possible.

　

"This quagmire which produces

So strong a stench surrounds the city of woe

We cannot enter now except with wrath."

　

Anger is a step above depression. Do not reject it out of hand. Use it.

　

"'And I pray

You, listen'--he raised a finger at the word.

'When you confront her radiance, whose eyes can see

Everything in their fair clarity, be assured

Then you shall learn what your life's journey will be."

　

When you have descended beneath your sadness, you will discover exactly why the journey will have had been worthwhile.

　

"On every side, I heard wailing voices grieve,

Yet I could not see anyone there to wail..."

　

Some thoughts cannot be assigned a shape, or a voice. They are amorphous, ephemeral. Listen to them anyway.

　

"And I--I made my own house be my gallows."

　

Your guilt is your gallows. Slowly, painstakingly, deconstruct it, brick by brick, nail by nail.

　

"If you keep navigating by your star

You'll find a glorious port, if I discerned

Well in the fair life."

　

No matter what, follow your inner guidance. Take heed of its instructions. It's more accurate than any GPS system ever invented.

　

"I leave the bitter gall behind, and aspire

Toward the sweet fruits promised by my guide,

But first I must go downward to the core."

　

Before heaven, you must walk through hell. Walk through the core of your depression--if for no other reason than to discover what's on the other side.

　

"What your mind dreams will be before your eyes."

　

Whatever path you picture for yourself, it will materialize, often in very unexpected ways.

　

"There is a place called Malebolge in Hell...

Right in the center of this malign field yawns

A wide deep pit...

To my right side I saw new tortures, new woes,

And new tormentorrs, with whom the first ditch teemed..."


Each of us has our own Malebolge--and each of us must traverse it.


"Readying myself at the cliff's brink, I looked down

Into the canyon my master had revealed

And saw that it was watered by tears of pain:

All through the circular valley I beheld

A host of people coming, weeping but mute.

They walked at a solemn pace...

The head was twisted backwards: some cruel torsion

Forced face toward kidneys, and the people strode

Backwards, because deprived of forward vision."


Depression makes backward walkers out of us all.


"'I tell you, have no fear: it is the wretches

Who boil here that they menace--so let them grind

As fiercely as they like, and scowl their worst."

　

Let your inner demons scowl and gnash their teeth all they want. You need not take their ranting seriously.

　

"[T]he demon turned his claws

Upon his comrade and grappled him in midair

Above the fosse. But his opponent was

A full-grown hawk equipped with claws to respond

Truly and well; and as they fought, the brace

Fell into the middle of the boiling pond.

The heat unclenched them at once; but though released

They could not rise, because their wings were gummed

And clotted."

　

　

Be still, and allow your thoughts to fight it out among themselves. Then, deal with the winner. It's much easier this way.

　

　

"'To cast off sloth

Now well behooves you,' said my master then:

'For resting upon soft down, or underneath

The blanket's cloth, is not how fame is won--

Without which, one spends life to leave behind

As vestige of himself on earth the sign

Smoke leaves on air, or foam on water. So stand

And overcome your panting--with the soul,

Which wins all battles if it does not despond

Under its body's heavy weight."

　

To which you must reply:

　

"Go on, for I am strong and resolute."

Blogging Dante: Interlude

"'Master, these torments--tell me, will they increase

After the Judgment, or lessen, or merely endure,

Burning as much as now?' He said, 'In this,

Go back to your science, which teaches that the more

A creature is perfect, the more it perceives the good--

And likewise pain." (emphasis added)

Without romanticizing pain, take heart from the fact that you've endured so much of it--and survived. That takes courage. The greater your pain, the deeper you are in your own hell--and are that much closer to recovery.

Blogging Dante: Part 2

"You, who have come to sorrow's hospice, think well...

Beware how you come in and whom you trust,

Don't be deceived because the gate is wide."

When depression strikes, all sorts of thoughts begin knocking on your door. Be judicious in granting them admittance.

"I am where

All light is mute, with a bellowing like the ocean

Turbulent in a storm of warring winds,

The hurricane of Hell in perpetual motion

Sweeping the ravaged spirits as it rends,

Twists, and torments them. Driven as if to land,

They reach the ruin: groaning, tears, laments,

And cursing of the power of Heaven."

Thoughts will arise in the murky depths, thoughts of grief and agony. Again, be cautious in whom you allow to enter the inner chambers of your mind. Depression calls for vitilant gatekeeping.

"No sadness

Is greater than in misery to rehearse

Memories of joy..."

Do not attempt to force happiness. Walk straight through your pain, with a bold, determined step.

"I am in the third

Circle, a realm of cold and heavy rain--

A dark, accursed torrent eternally poured

With changeless measure and nature. Enormous hail

And tainted water mixed with snow are showered

Steadily through the shadowy air of hell:

The soil they drench gives off a putrid odor.

Three-headed Cerberus, mostrous and cruel,

Barks doglike at the souls immersed here, louder

For his triple throat."


As your journey continues, stay strong. Feel the fear if you must, but keep going.

Blogging Dante: Part 1

"Midway on our life's journey, I found myself
In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell
About these woods is hard--so tangled and rough
And savage that thinking of it now, I feel
the old fear stirring; death is hardly more
bitter.
And yet, to treat the good I found there as well
I'll tell what I saw..."


　
Thus begins your descent. Fear not: you aren't the first to make this journey. Help is available--but only if you tell what you saw. Find someone to whom you can relate your tale. The effects are profoundly cathartic.


　
"Then I could feel the terror begin to ease
That churned in my heart's lake all through the night.
As one still panting, ashore from dangerous seas
Looks back at the deep he has escaped, my thought
Returned, still fleeing, to regard that grim defile
That never left alive any who stayed in it."


　
Depression is a jealous author with a forked tongue. Do not believe it. Reserve for yourself, and yourself alone, the right to tell your story.


　
"But you--why go back down to such misery?
Why not ascend the delightful mountain, source
And principle that causes every joy?"


　
NOT SO FAST. Before ascending, one must descend.The path to heaven invariably leads through hell--"To hear the cries of despair, and to behold
Ancient tormented spirits as they lament
In chorus the second death they must abide."


"Help me escape this evil that I face,
And worse. Lead me to witness what you have said,
Saint Peter's gate, and the multitude of woes."


　
To escape hell, one must first traverse it. The good news is, you can always ask for assistance. Many have walked down the same road; they know the way--and they can help you.


　
"While I alone was preparing as though for war
To struggle with the journey and with the spirit
Of pity, which flawless memory must redraw."


　
While others may help guide you, it is up to you to put one foot in front of the other. You, and you alone, can make the pitiless journey through hell.


　
"But I--what cause, whose favor, could send me forth
Onn such a voyage? I am no Aeneas or Paul:
Not I nor others think me of such worth."
"'If I understand correctly,' the generous shade retorted,
'Cowardice grips your spirit--which can twist
A man away from the noblest enterprise
As a trick of vision startled a shying beast."


　
Did you hear that? Dante praises you for attempting the journey. If you are strong enough to wade through your own nightmares, you are of immense worth. However often depression tries to convince you otherwise, always know this. "Why be a coward rather than bolder, freer...?


　
Virgil: "Fear befits things with power for injury/Not things which lack such power."


　
Depression is a thing that lacks such power--unless you choose to grant it. In fact, depression is no-thing at all.


　
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YOU WHO ENTER HERE
"All fear must be left here, and cowardice die."


　
Be fearless in your journey. Countless others have made it before you--and survived.


　
"The sighs, groans and laments at first were so loud,
Resounding through starless air, I began to weep:
Strange languages, horrible screams, words imbued
With rage or despair, cries as of troubled sleep
Or of a tortured shrillness--they rose in a coil
Of tumult, along with noises like the slap
Of beating hands, all fused in a ceaseless flame
That churns and frenzies that dark and timeless air
Like sand in a whirlwind."


　
No one ever said it would be easy...


　
Virgil: "Souls who are good
Never pass this way; therefore, if you hear
Charon complaining at your presence, consider
What that means."


　
Depression will complain about your presence in its domain, even as it seeks to consume you. That's because it's used to victims--not explorers. Be an explorer, then.


　
"Peering to find where I was--in truth, the lip
Above the chasm of pain, which holds the din
Of infinite grief: a gulf so dark and deep
And murky that though I gazed intently down
Into the canyon, I could see nothing below."
'Now we descend into the sightless zone...'


　
Among the most insidious aspects of depression is that it places you right on the rim of "the chasm of pain," without granting you the sharp-sightedness to see what lies below. Since imagination, like nature, abhors a vacuum, it quickly fills the abyss with a grotesque assortment of ghouls and despair.


　
"'[H]aving no hope, we live in longing."

　
Longing for happiness, for joy--or for death. Do not believe it--that's the depression talking. What you need is not hope, but the determination to go through with your journey.


　
"So I descended from first to second circle--
Which girdles a smaller space and greater pain,
Which spurs more lamentation."

Blogging Sun Tzu

Sun Tzu--The Art of War

"All warfare is based on deception."

The words "depression" and "deception" aren't that far off--and for good reason.

"Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected."

Depression may strike you when you least expect it. Conversely, however, you can strike it at an opportune moment, when it expects you to do one thing, and you--anticipating--do something else entirely.

"It is only one who is thoroughly acquainted with the evils of war that can thoroughly understand the profitable way of carrying it on."

Only the hardened understanding forged in the battle against depression can give you the knowledge of how best to beat it. There are no quick solutions. It takes time.

"Camp in high places, facing the sun."

Depression loves darkness. Strive to spend as much time as you can in the light, both literally and metaphorically.

"When [the enemy] is aloof and tries to provoke a battle, he is anxious for the other side to advance."

The thunder and bluster of depression are a front. When it feels like it can't possibly get any worse, that is when you know the battle is almost won.

"If the enemy leaves a door open, you must rush in."

At the slighest sign of weakening in your depression, attack. Take no prisoners.

"A wind that rises in the daytime lasts long, but a night breeze soon falls."

Depression is a night breeze; joy is a daytime wind.

"Anger may in time change to gladness; vexation may be succeeded by content."

Depression may be--WILL be--succeeded by joy.

"[W]hat enables the wise sovereign and the good general to strike and conquer, and achieve things beyond the reach of ordinary men, is foreknowledge."

"We are not fit to lead an army on the march unless we are familiar with the face of the country--its mountains and forests, its pitfalls and precipices, its marshes and swamps."

Learn the patterns of your depression. When does it advance? Directly, or by subterfuge? Does it rush headlong into battle or hold back, waiting for you to make the first move?

"Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."

"Therefore the skilful leader subdues the enemy's troops without any fighting; he captures their cities without laying siege to them; he overthrows their kingdom without lengthy operations in the field."

Confronting depression is noble, but a head-to-head battle isn't likely to end favorably. Instead, seek a way to undermine your depression without raising a hand against it.

"The consummate leader cultivates the moral law, and strictly adheres to method and discipline; thus it is in his power to control success."

No matter how wretched you feel, set a routine and follow it. Depression loathes the regularity of a well-structured day..

"Amid the turmoil and tumult of battle, there may be seeming disorder and yet no real disorder at all; amid confusion and chaos, your array may be without head or tail, yet it will be proof against defeat."

Depression can flail and wail all it wants; its fury is, paradoxically, the sign of its weakness and desperation. When facing it, remain calm; victory is near.

"Do not repeat the tactics which have gained you one victory, but let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstance."

Just because one stratagem was successful, do not assume it will succeed again; always be on the lookout for new tactics.


"Disciplined and calm, to await the appearance of disorder and hubbub amongst the enemy:--this is the art of retaining self-possession."

Again, let your depression rage all it wants; its disquiet is a sign of desperation.

"Humble words and increased preparations are signs that the enemy is about to advance. Violent language and driving forward as if to attack are signs that he will retreat."

It is no coincidence that many patients with depression attempt suicide precisely when they are beginning to get better. Depression speaks in honeyed words, lulling you to sleep. Ironically, it is during respites of peace that your vigilance must be at its highest. Calmly, but steadily, watch out for subterfuge.

"Whether the object be to crush an army, to storm a city, or to assassinate an individual, it is always necessary to begin by finding out the names of the attendants, the aides-de-camp, the door-keepers and sentries of the general in command. Our spies must be commisioned to ascertain these."

Get to know your depression in intimate detail. Do not wage battle against it without a detailed blueprint.

"[I]f you know the enemy and yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."

--SUN TZU, The Art of War

Become Curious About Your Affliction

"When things fall apart, instead of struggling to regain our concept of who we are, we can use it as an opportunity to be open and inquisitive about what has just happen and what will happen next."

Pema Chödrön, Comfortable With Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion
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Curiosity doesn't easily lend itself to a depressed mind. Yet, ironically, it may be the key that unlocks the door to wellness.

When you reach "rock bottom" and feel like you cannot possibly sink any lower...that there is little, if any, hope...that there's no point in continuing...Keep digging. Become curious.

It may be a morbid curiosity--but it may well save your life.

Become curious about what is happening to you.

Walk around your despair. Poke and prod it with a stick. Is it squishy? Solid? Liquid?

How do you feel when it hits? Or better yet: Where do you feel when it hits?

Where in your body do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your fingertips?

When does it arrive? When does it leave?

Here is where being morbidly curious can really become interesting:

What controls the ebb and flow of my suffering?

By finally mustering the courage to ask this question, you get to bypass the phenomenal symptoms of your suffering and head straight for the noumenon.

Look at it. Examine it with all the attention your weary mind can muster.

What is it, REALLY?

The answer is different for everyone. For me, when I finally looked past the depression, what I saw was--sadness. An endless sea, stretching out in every direction, fading behind the pallid, leaden horizon.

Yet even that sadness may have been a spark given off by something else, something buried much deeper in the Unconscious.

As you can tell, I'm still searching. And...I invite you to do the same.

"Everything Is Found Because It Is Lost"

"Zen invites us...to a task which, up to satori exclusively, can only appear to us as a descent. In a sense everything becomes worse little by little up to the moment when the bottom is reached, when nothing can any longer become worse, and in which everything is found because it is lost."

--Hubert Benoit, Zen and the Psychology of Transformation

"Who Am I?"

Blow Up the Cave of Phantoms

"The man who works according to Zen becomes ever more indifferent to his actions, to his imaginations, to his sentiments; for all that is precisely the formal machinery with which he is obliged to share his energy. This man can work inwardly all day...without this work comprising the slightest spiritual 'exercise,' the least intentional discriminative reflection, the slightest rule of moral conduct, the least trouble to do 'good.' Turning his back on the visible and its phantoms, fair or ugly, he accumulates in the invisible the charge of energy which will one day blow up in him all the 'cave of phantoms,' and will open to him thus the real plenitude of his daily life."

--Hubert Benoit, Zen and the Psychology of Transformation: The Supreme Doctrine

"Tigers Above, Tigers Below"

"Begin with being willing to feel what you are going through. Be willing to have a compassionate relationship with the parts of yourself that you feel are not worthy of existing. If you are willing through meditation to be mindful not only of what feels comfortable but also what pain feels like, if you even aspire to stay awake and open to what you're feeling, to recognize and acknowledge it as best you can in each moment, then something begins to change."

--Pema Chödrön

As a depression sufferer for nearly two decades, it has taken me woefully long to recognize one simple truth: running from it doesn't help.

Depression casts too big a shadow. Wherever you turn, there it is.

Running isn't the answer. Leaning is.

Sit or lay down. Take a few deep breaths to calm your mind.

In. Out. In. Out.

Picture your depression however it appears to you. To some, it is a menacing hooded figure. To others, it's a thick metallic cloud that gags and chokes them. Still others merely feel it as an amorphous something.

Whatever it is, hold it steady in your mind's eye. Then, approach it.

Walk right up to the brink--and lean.

How do you feel? What does this boundary between yourself and your demons feel like? What emotions does it rouse in you? What thoughts rush screaming by?

Study them all.

Then--take a big, healthy bite of your demons.

Chew it over slowly, with relish. Ruminate upon it.

What does your depression taste like? Is it full of flavor? Is it spicy, bitter, or bland?

Begin with one small bite per session. Spending too long in the presence of something as overpowering as depression can be, well, overpowering. Take it slow. Be gentle with yourself.

Slowly, with each session, get to know that which plagues you. Learn its taste, its smell, its texture. Learn what triggers it. Learn the feelings that arise in your body whenever it casts its shadow on you.

If you cannot flee from your demons, study them. Become an expert. Books can help, but in the end, YOU are the writer and explorer. You are sailing into the eye of your very own inner storm, where no one can fully accompany you.

Become a cartographer of your own misery--and something mysterious begins to happen. Something magical.

The further you lean into your torment, the further away it recedes.

The better you get to know it, the less threatening it becomes.

At a certain point, when you've become a Ph.D on the subject of your inner typhoon, you will find yourself actually smiling at your demons. And why not? They have given you ample material to study.

Here's my personal plea: once you've fully mapped out your condition--with all its manifold peaks, valleys, raging waterfalls, whirlpools--help guide others down their path. True, their own map differs...but by now, you will have had established certain landmarks along the way.

You have become a true cartographer of your inner self. You are now in a position to assist others on their journey.

And that is a gift worth suffering for.

"In Total Silence The Mind Comes Upon The Eternal"

To Make a Window

"The house without a window is hell;
to make a window is the essence of real
religion."

--RUMI

Forgiving Oneself

"We all appreciate in others the inner qualities of kindness, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and generosity, and in the same way we are all averse to displays of greed, malice, hatred and bigotry."

--THE DALAI LAMA, Beyond Religion

His Holiness is undoubtedly correct--we all like people who are kind, patient, tolerant, forgiving, and generous.

But how rarely do we extend the same touch of kindness to ourselves!

Depression's most insidious weapon is guilt (not the healthy kind that chides us upon wrongdoing--something far, far worse). It plants a seed that may take anywhere from months to years to sprout.

Once it does, it grows exponentially, devouring the surrounding space, like a tumor chomping away at the flesh. The sea of awareness around it becomes its sustenance.

And, as awareness is infinite...so, too, is the space in which guilt can thrive.

Fortunately, the sea of awareness IS infinite--meaning that, no matter how far and wide guilt has sprouted its branches, there is always an outside perspective.

Amidst infinity, there is always a space where guilt is not.

FIND IT. For the love of yourself, find that space.

Stay there for as long as you can. Just...watch. Observe.

What does your guilt look like?

Does it have a texture?

Does it have a smell? A taste? A mass?

Touch it, ever so gingerly. Does it recoil from your fingertips? Does it clamp down on them hungrily?

From that outside space, get to know your guilt. Map it out with all the diligence of a cartographer. Every peak, every valley, every eruption of molten wrath.

Then...a magical thing starts to happen.

Once the guilt is known...once it KNOWS it is known...it withers. Disappears.

Within the sea of awareness, guilt is but a grain of sand.

Aeneas: "O goddess, if I were to trace the whole of our story,
Beginning right from the start and going straight on,
And if thou hadst leisure to hear our record of woe,
The sky would glow dark ere I came to the end of my tale
And the star of evening come to bury the daylight."

Venus: "Whoever thou art, thou art not, as I think, one abhorred
By the heavenly ones, as thou breathest the breath of life..."

--VIRGIL, THE AENEID

"WE ARE ALL HUMAN"

"We are all human, all seven billion of us. In this respect we are all one hundred percent the same."

--THE DALAI LAMA

"Even if you're not a seeker,
still, follow us, keep searching with us.
Even if you don't know how
To play and sing,
you'll become like us;
with us you'll start singing and dancing."

--RUMI

"You, Who Have Come To Sorrow's Hospice, Think Well"

“LET IT GO!”

To many of us who struggle with depression, along with its host of attendant maladies (guilt, shame, anxiety, self-loathing, languor), these words strike as a cruel taunt.

Let it go? Seriously? Is THAT the best you can do? Just let it all go and be happy, blissfully jaunting through fragrant fields of flowers and sonorous birds?

Just like that?

I believe that, when people speak these words, they usually do so out of good intentions. It’s not their goal that’s askew.

It’s the words themselves.

It’s not “let it go.” Consider, instead, the words, “Let it go BY.”

Depression is pure evil. It saps you of your vigor, your intellectual edge, your desire, your passion. Everything that makes you, you—is affected. Simply “releasing” it does not work, the endless shelves of self-help books arguing to the contrary notwithstanding.

But there is good news: you need not let it go. Instead, let it go by.

Sit down in a comfortable chair—or if, like me, you cannot meditate while sitting, lie down.

Keep your spine as straight as possible, but don’t worry if your posture is askew. This is not a contest; no judges are standing over you with scorecards.

Take a deep breath into your belly. Hold. Exhale.

Repeat. In. Hold. Out. Hold. In…

Keep doing it until your breath becomes regular and deep of its own accord.

Now, open the floodgates. Not a lot. You don’t want all your emotional demons flooding out all at once. To most people, it is too overwhelming. Instead, just let a trickle of emotion through.

Breathe in and out…and watch. Listen. Above all, just be with whatever comes. Do not try to control it in any way. Do not interpret it—that only feeds it, makes it stronger, more determined, more arrogant.

Be a disinterested observer of whatever plays out in your field of awareness. With each breath, simply watch your inner drama play itself out as it passes by—like flickering images on a TV screen.

When watching a movie, you’d never want to grasp an image and forcibly keep it from advancing, right?

This is the same. Don’t grasp. Don’t interfere or interrupt. Just breathe…and watch.

Do this as long, and as often, as you feel comfortable.

At first, being in the presence of such raw emotion may feel extremely uncomfortable, or even downright painful. It is therefore best if you have someone—a loved one, a close friend, a counselor—to guide you through the process. Simply knowing you aren’t alone can make a huge difference.

So that’s it. Don’t let it go—let it go by, and WATCH.

Eventually, a point will come when the last drop has flown past the floodgate of awareness—and you are free.

Until then, good luck—and know that I am here, rooting for you.